


Believe me

by damageditem



Category: Actor RPF, Tom Hiddleston - Fandom
Genre: Angst, F/M, Feels, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-28
Updated: 2015-04-28
Packaged: 2018-03-26 04:56:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3837865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/damageditem/pseuds/damageditem
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Natalie and Tom had a stormy relationship, suddenly ended by Tom. Nat tried to go on with her life until she met an ill Tom accidentally at the groceries. How long will they be able to avoid "the talk"?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Believe me

“Please, Susan, you know I’ve never asked you to change a day for me before, but I need it.” Nat couldn’t believe Susan would say no, after all the times she had had to cover her. 

  
Susan knew she could not deny it to Nat, but she’d try to the end. “I know, but…”

  
“But nothing, Susan. You owe me. Do you want me to remind you how many times you’ve called me from who knows where because you were supposed to be at work and you "forgot”? How many times I’ve had to fly out of bed to save your ass? How many plans I’ve had to leave behind because of you? I’m just asking for one fucking night, for God’s sake.“ Nat felt badly for being this rude to Susan, but she really needed the night off. And Susan was starting to annoy her. 

  
Susan and Nat had been best friends since the first time they met at the hospital six years ago. Nat knew Susan could be very selfish when a guy was involved, but she also knew she would not let her down in the end. Or so she hoped.

  
"Ok, Nat.” Susan sighed, resigned. “I’ll tell Jed there’s a change of plans.”  
Nat’s face illuminated with a big smile. “I knew you wouldn’t let me down. Thank you!” She was about to hung the call, but instead she asked Susan “who is Jed, by the way?”

  
Susan tried to muffle a laugh, with no success at all. “Oh, that’s something I’ll have to tell you, but not today. Go, and enjoy the weekend.” Nat could feel her grin through the line. “And I want a detailed report of your "activities” with Mark next Monday.“

  
"If there is something to tell, you’ll be the first to know. Ah, by the way, little Jamie was admitted again with pneumonia. I’ve scheduled his treatment until tomorrow, and he’s doing better today, so I hope this time he’ll get better sooner than usual. Please take care of him until I come back, ok? Bye!” Jamie was one of her favourite little patients, so brave at his short age. It pained her having to leave him for a couple of days, and she had to tell herself that he’d be in good hands with Susan too.

  
Nat put her phone back in her pocket, picked up her things and left, exhausted after the night shift. During the drive home she thought about what could be the surprise Mark had prepared for her tonight. It was so unlike him… She was excited, because she loved surprises, but also feared that maybe Mark expected something more from her, and, though Mark was a really nice guy who had always cared for her, she was not ready for a relationship right now. Not with him, anyway, and not until she could break her emotional bond with Tom.

  
“Emotional bond”, she muttered to herself as she chuckled. “Say it loud, you idiot. You. Still. Love.  Him.” Nat emphasized every word hitting the wheel with her hands, as she felt a big lump forming on her throat. She knew Mark was the best choice for her. He was one of her best friends in the hospital, apart from Susan. A nice and handsome surgeon who had always been there whenever Tom and her broke up or had a fight. He had never asked for anything, just stood there, by her side, helping her getting over the giant pain in the ass that was Tom Hiddleston. Mark was gentle love, care, and security.

  
And Tom… well, he was passion, lust, fun and romance, but also fights and heartache. He was also the love of her life, though they were so different that she was already reconciled with the idea of them not being together anymore. He was beautiful, while she was an average woman. He was an extrovert, always eager to be surrounded by people, doing things, while she’d rather be at home in her little bubble. His self-confidence almost annoyed her, because she could not find an inch of it inside her. He was a smart, thoughtful and articulate man, and while she could not say she wasn’t smart, being a doctor herself, her struggle with words had led them to more than one misunderstanding. 

  
But above everything, he was terrified of commitment, though he’d never admit it. Just the thought of being a couple asphyxiated him, and inevitably led to the umpteenth break up. He had used a thousand excuses, “my working schedule is too tight and I don’t want you to be alone because of me”, “I need some time for myself, “I don’t think I’m good enough for you”… She loved him enough to grant him that time alone, knowing he’d always come back to her. But the last one was the worse, and it broke her heart in a thousand pieces. “I’ve met someone.”

  
And he had. For months, he had been in the cover of every magazine with his new girlfriend, one of those beautiful actresses that always surrounded him, whom Nat could never compete with. That’s when she had convinced herself that they were like water and oil; you can emulsify them for a short while, but in the end, stillness and time will always keep them apart. Even if she had accepted it, that wouldn’t make it hurt any less.

  
A persistent sound brought her back from her thoughts, as she found that the traffic light was green again, and the driver behind her must have been in a hurry, judging by the way he was pressing the honk. She wiped away the tears and turned to her left towards the supermarket to buy some groceries for the weekend.

  
Nat walked through the aisles filling his basket like an automaton, until she turned around one corner just to have someone bumping against her.  
“I’m so sorry. Are you all right? I should have been more careful.”

  
Nat froze at the sound of that velvety voice and looked up at the man standing in front of her. She could recognize that voice anywhere. It still haunted her night and day, and she felt again craving its sweet sound breathed by her ear.  
“Tom…” His name was barely a whisper in her mouth, and she wanted nothing more than jump into his arms and stay there forever. But she couldn’t. He wasn’t hers anymore. It was other body he’d held tightly, other ears hearing the sweet sound of his whispered nonsenses, other skin caressed by his hands, other heart swelling with joy when he talked of love.

  
“Natalie…” The way his lips caressed her name would always be her favourite thing in the world.

  
Tom moved forward to greet her. She felt his right hand on the small of her back and her body reacted as it always had, instinctively pulling her towards him. He looked at her and it was as if time had slowed down. She saw his face closing the distance between them, his otherwise sky blue eyes now dark with want as he bit his lower lip. She knew he was going to kiss her, and she craved his lips as if her life depended on it. 

  
Her conscience was screaming “NO! He’s not yours. You don’t want to be that kind of person.” But her body was shamelessly betraying her. “Just a little bit closer”, she thought, “for the old times.” His nose nuzzled hers and their open lips were just a tiny touch away from a big mistake. 

  
After what had felt like an eternity, she managed to move her lips away from his and kissed his cheek as she let go the breathe she had been holding with a deep sigh. Nat tried to revel on the touch of his lips on her skin, but it happened so fast that before she could feel it, he was already hugging her. 

Tom buried his face in the spot where her neck joined her shoulder as his arms surrounded her body, not just hugging her, but holding onto her. She dropped the basket to the floor and wrapped her arms around his waist when she felt him trembling.

  
“Excuse me, sir.” Someone tapped Tom’s shoulder, asking him to move his cart to allow them to pass by, breaking the intimate moment between them both.

  
As he broke the embrace and moved his shopping cart away, Nat tried to collect herself, burying her feelings for him deep down her guts again.

  
“I thought you were in L.A. When did you come back?” She thought that maybe some small talk would help breaking the awkwardness.

  
“Oh, but I was. I only arrived yesterday afternoon. I’m still jet lagged, but I needed to refill my fridge.” He shivered again and wrapped his coat tighter around his body. “It’s good to see you a…” 

  
Before he could finish the sentence he lost his colour and held onto the shelf to keep his balance. Nat looked at him, worried, and noticed a thin layer of sweat on his forehead and a light purple tint in his lips. 

  
“Are you ok, Tom?” she asked, as she raised her hand to touch the hot skin of his forehead. “You’re boiling with fever!” She put her basket inside his shopping cart, and holding his waist, she led them to the checkout line. “Let me take care of this and I’m taking you home. Did you drive here?” She barely managed to keep him straight as she pushed the cart, but as long as he didn’t faint, she thought she could make it.

  
“No, I walked. It’s not far, and I thought the fresh air would do me good.” He straightened himself, apparently feeling better, and tried to help her pushing the cart.

  
Nat paid for the groceries and helped him entering her car. In a few minutes, she was parking in his garage. Feeling somehow better, he managed to bring some bags into the kitchen.

  
“Thank you.” He said, turning to face her. Tom watched her uneasily fidgeting around the living room, and he suspected what, or who she was looking for. “I… I’m alone”, he stated as he took off his coat and let it fall on the couch.

  
“Oh.” She felt suddenly embarrassed for having been so obvious, so she tried to change the subject, with little to no success. “You should go to bed and take some rest while I bring you something for that fever. Do… Do you want me to call someone? You shouldn’t be alone while you’re feeling ill.” As soon as the last word left her mouth, she felt like an idiot again, wondering if she’d ever be able overcome the awkwardness and behave like a normal person in his presence again.  

  
“No, no one. I wouldn’t want to disturb them for this, anyway. I’m sure it’s just exhaustion. I’ve been quite stressed lately and I haven’t been sleeping well for weeks. It’s nothing that a good sleep won’t heal, I’m sure.” 

  
Nat started emptying the bags and placing everything in the fridge and the counters, as she wondered what she was doing there, alone with him, in his house. She was still flushed since the no- kiss at the supermarket.

  
“Nat.”

  
She was still focused on her thoughts. On one hand, she wanted to run from him, into the safety of her own apartment, leave him to deal with whatever was troubling him and forget she had seen him again, that she had felt his scent, his eyes on her, his lips on her skin… 

  
“Nat, you don’t have to…”

  
But, the prattling continued inside her head. On the other hand, he looked so worn out, pale and fragile right now that she also wanted to take care of him, as if he hadn’t broken her heart seven months ago; as if they could still be friends, somehow. She kept on putting things inside the fridge, as she had done so many times before.

  
“Natalie!”

  
She startled when she felt his hand grabbing her arm, and she turned around, annoyed. “What?”

  
“I’m sorry I startled you, love. I was saying that you don’t have to do this.” He lingered his hand on her arm for a little while, gently drawing circles with his thumb, as he always used to do.

  
“I know I don’t have to.” Would his girlfriend do it? She wondered. Would she know how to take care of him when he’s ill? Would she love him as much as her? Would he call her “love” too?

  
“I’m doing it because I want to.” Still, she wasn’t able to look at him. Instead, she focused on the circles his thumb was drawing in her skin, trying to supress the goose bumps that threatened to betray her.

  
Then Tom’s hand left her arm, and she felt suddenly cold. She looked at him and saw him shivering again. 

  
“Ok, Tom, that’s enough. Go upstairs and get into bed. I’ll bring you something for the fever.” She pushed him out of the kitchen, relieved to have some time far from him before she’d do something she’d regret later.

  
Nat took a tray and filled it up with some water, and a hot cup of tea. She searched on the drawers for the Tylenol, and found it where it always had been. She also brought her medical bag upstairs, just in case. 

  
As she walked up the stairs, she stopped, overwhelmed by the feelings. Every corner in this house brought memories to her mind; some happy, some not that much. Nat forced herself to go upstairs to check on Tom. The moment she reached what had been their bedroom for so long, she felt her stomach clenching as she knocked on the half-open door, waiting for an answer.  
“Come in.” His voice sounded like a deep groan, and when she entered the room, she saw that he was half asleep already.

  
“I’ve brought you some tea, and water. Take this, and you’ll feel better soon.” She made sure that he swallowed the pill, and she moved towards the door.

  
“Thank you, Nat. By the way, you don’t have to knock on the door.” He ruffled his messy hair as he looked at her,  though she did not hold his gaze.

  
“I think I do. I don’t live here…anymore.” Saying it loud hurt more than she had thought. She could tell stories about each object in this room; how her favorite set of sheets was wrapping his feverish body; the marks on the headboard from the day he tried to hang a picture on the wall and the hammer slipped from his hand, hitting the wooden headboard; the half-drunk pillow fight after the BAFTA ceremony; the cuddling on the bench of the balcony… Suddenly she felt she couldn’t breath. She took the tray and went to the door.

  
“This will always be your home, Nat.” The sadness in his voice only made things worse for her.

  
She turned around to look at him, but, much as she tried, the lump in her throat did not let her say a single word. If he’d really known how badly she wanted it to be true, he would not tease her about it. 

  
But before she left the room, he was falling asleep, so she closed the door and let him rest.

  
Nat went down to the kitchen and made herself a cup of tea, before doing what she always did when she felt nervous. Cooking. While she’d clean, peel and chop vegetables, she’d not think, so in a couple of hours she had made a comforting soup and a beef stew. She was putting an apple crumble into the oven when she saw Tom leaning against the doorframe, watching her cook. He was wearing his black sweatpants, an old t-shirt and a hoodie, and despite his having a girlfriend, the lack of sleep, the fever and her heartbreak, she had to surrender to the fact that she loved him. And she’d always will. 

  
She cleared her throat and turned to the stoves, to hide her blushing. “Hey, how long have you been there? How are you feeling?”

  
“I’m much better. But the delicious smell that comes from those pots has reminded me that I’ve had eaten nothing since yesterday.” He stood behind her, too close for her comfort, and placing a hand in her waist, he leant forward to catch a glimpse of the contents of the pots. “Oh, wow. You made my favourite soup. Thank you, darling.”

  
Tom kissed her temple, and though she wanted to give into the warmth of his arms, her body tensed, uneasy. He noticed it and retired his hand from the small of her back with a whispered apology.

  
“Come, sit down, and eat something. Then you can go to sleep again.” She set the table for him, and he looked at her, puzzled.

  
“Are you not going to have lunch with me? I won’t allow it, least of all when you’ve been all morning cooking it. Come. Please.” He stood up to take another plate for her.

  
She wanted to tell him how badly she wanted to stay by his side, taking care of him, falling asleep in his arms as if the last seven months had been a bad joke and her heart was still swollen with love, and not shrunk, leaking that love through the cracks he had provoked. Instead, she tried an insipid and numb version of herself. “Thank you, Tom, but I think I should go home. I worked last night and I need some sleep, too. Besides, I have plans for dinner. But I can stay until you’ve finished, now you’re feeling better.”

  
“No way. I know you, and as soon as you arrive home you’ll skip lunch and will go to sleep. So right now, you’re going to sit down and have lunch with me. I insist.” He held the chair for her and after some inner struggle, she finally accepted, hoping this wasn’t a mistake.

  
They had a pleasant lunch, catching up on the events of the last months. Tom talked about his new projects and funny anecdotes on set, and despite the previous awkwardness, they were so comfortable that they even shared some laughs. They did a good work avoiding the giant elephant in the room, though Nat wondered for how long. 

  
The alarm of the oven brought her back from her thoughts, and she blushed when she realized she had been staring at him, hoping he hadn’t noticed. She took the apple crumble from the oven and told him to go to the living room while she prepared some tea as the dessert cooled down a little. 

  
Tom put the dirty dishes on the dishwasher, and stopped by the door, watching her. He wanted to tell her how much he had missed her, to explain her he had been a fool, that his life without her was a bad joke, but he also knew that this time he had hurt her too badly. He had realized it when he felt her stiffening whenever he had tried to touch her. And yet, here she was, helping him. He truly didn’t deserve her. He went to the living room and let himself fall on the couch with a deep sigh, cursing himself for being such an idiot.

  
Nat brought the dessert and the tea. Tom had been so immerse in his thought that he hadn’t noticed she had prepared his favourite dessert.

  
“You remembered”, he said with a tiny smile as he took one bowl of the apple crumble. Taking a spoonful, he let go a deep moan. “My goodness, this is even better than I remembered.”

  
How could I forget it? she thought. But once again, she concealed her real thoughts, and tried to dismiss it as a simple coincidence. “Well, you were just lucky that I had bought some apples and butter before you felt sick in the shop.”

  
“Indeed. I’m so lucky for having you in my life.” He had abandoned the previous joyful tone, and he stopped talking, uncertain if he should go on. His voice was filled with guilt, when he finally spoke again, and he held her gaze to let her see the truth in his words. “I don’t even know what I have done to deserve you.” He needed her to know that she was important for him, even if he had hurt her.

  
Nat hadn’t expected that. She instinctively closed her eyes, frowned, and turned her head to one side, as if that simple gesture would ease the pain of Tom’s words. Why couldn’t you have noticed it earlier? She felt the old pain again, and struggled to hold back the tears.

  
“Please, Tom. Don’t…” She was trying to reconcile to the idea of not being his anymore, and this is not what she needed to hear right now. She was not ready for this conversation. Not yet.

  
Tom placed his hand over hers, as an apology. “I know. I… I’m sorry, Nat.”  
He excused himself and left the room for a while, after they had finished the dessert. She made herself comfortable on her favourite side of the couch, and soon, the exhaustion and lack of sleep started to show. By the time Tom had returned, she was soundly asleep on the couch.

  
Two hours later, she heard a familiar sound in the distance, and it took her a while to recognize the melody of her phone, buzzing inside her pocket. She opened her eyes and she looked at her surroundings trying to recognize the place. She startled when she remember she was at Tom’s house, and tried to stand up, but something was making it difficult.

  
Looking around, she found she was sitting, but her head was resting on Tom’s shoulder; he had one arm around her body, keeping her close to him, and his other hand was holding hers over his chest. She felt his warmth and the familiar scent of his skin as she watched him sleeping by her side. She found that they both were covered by what had been her favourite blanket, and, had the phone not been ringing insistently, she may have acknowledged the tenderness of the gesture.

  
But she had remembered her date with Mark, and she tried to disentangle herself from Tom as carefully as she could to retrieve her phone from her pocket. Cursing herself for having fallen asleep, she picked up the call. It was Mark. She went to the garden, to avoid disturbing Tom.

  
“Hello?” Much as she tried, she could not hide her still sleepy voice, and of course, Mark noticed.

  
“Hello there, sleeping beauty. Did I wake you? No wonder you did not answer the bell at home. Did you have a bad turn yesterday night?” 

  
“Yes, we worked restlessly and I’m exhausted, but anyway, I‘m not home now.” As soon as she finished, she knew she had made a mistake. Nat knew Mark would not like this, loathing everything related with Tom, but she had done nothing wrong, and would he ask, she’d tell the truth.

  
“Ah, then send my regards to Susan. It’s been a long time since I’ve last seen here. How’s she doing?”

  
“She’s fine, I guess. She should be getting ready to cover my turn.” She let him guess the rest, and of course, after a long, awkward silence, he did.

  
“Please don’t tell me that you’re with that asshole. Wasn’t he supposed to be in the other side of the world, anyway?” He let go an exasperated sigh as he waited for her to say something, maybe hoping his guess was wrong. 

  
“He arrived yesterday, and…” She could not finish the sentence, because Mark’s incensed voice shut her down.

  
“Yesterday? And he has already managed to get you back into his bed? It’s not yet cold since his last girlfriend left, for God’s sake. After all he has done to you, I thought you had more sense, Nat, but maybe I was wrong.” 

  
Now, that’s something Nat would not tolerate. Who was he to judge her that way?

  
“Correct me if I’m wrong, but last time I checked, whose bed I sleep in was still my own business, not yours. When did that change?” She felt bad for being this rude to him, because he had always been nice to her, but he was crossing a dangerous line now, and she should cut him before he assumed things that were not real.

  
“It changed when I cared for you. It changed when you told me you weren’t together anymore. It changed when you accepted a date with me.” 

  
“Woah, woah, wait a minute. It will change when I say it changes, not when you want it to. And if you think that being nice to me grants you ownership over me, let me say you’re utterly wrong. It seems I am fool enough to think that when someone cares for me, it’s because they care, not because they want something in exchange. How naïve!” 

  
Nat was really angry at that moment. The fact that someone she cared about could have fooled her this way hurt more than she had thought. 

  
“Let me tell you something, Mark, and listen carefully, because I’ll only say it once. I’m not going to date you. Not today, not tomorrow. Not ever. I’m so glad you’ve shown the real you…  Good bye, Mark. Don’t ever call me again.”

  
Nat hung up the call, and started crying. She hadn’t realized she was talking out that loud until the sudden silence almost hurt her ears. She stared at the phone as if she wanted to throw it against the wall, blaming the device for what had happened.

  
Instead, she replayed the conversation with Mark in her mind, trying to get how did it go so wrong, and she gasped when something popped up in her head. “His bed is not yet cold since his last girlfriend left, for God’s sake.”  What did that mean? Obviously he was not talking about her, because they broke up seven months ago. She wondered if Tom was really single again, and how Mark knew about it. Then, she remembered something Tom had said when they arrived to the apartment: that he was alone, and he would not bother anyone calling them to ask for help just for this fever.

  
Soon she forgot about Mark, and started thinking about Tom, instead. It was always about him, anyway; every one of her thoughts had always been for him, and it did not seem very likely to change soon. If he was single again, everything started to make sense; the almost-kiss at the supermarket, the way he looked at her since they arrived to his apartment, the kiss in her temple while she was cooking, his confession about being lucky for having her, the blanket covering her when she had fallen asleep…

  
Nat felt overwhelmed with the events, unable to decide what she would do if in truth Tom was single again. There was no doubt that she still loved him, but she was not so sure about being able to forgive (least of all forget) the way he broke her heart seven months ago. She wandered if they could be just friends, though deep inside her, she already knew the answer. They had struggled to keep their wits together just being near each other for a few hours, so she knew that it was not going to happen. 

  
“Nat?”

  
She heard Tom calling her from inside the house, and wiped away her tears as he joined her in the garden, wrapped up in the blanket.

  
“I thought I heard voices. Are you ok?” He watched her for a moment and saw that she was crying. “What happened? Why are you crying?” Tom moved towards her, holding the blanket open to hug her, but she moved away from him.

  
“It’s nothing, I just had an argument with Mark. He had been asking me for a date for a long time, and I had agreed to go on a date with him tonight, but after our conversation, I’ve changed my mind.” She saw Tom clench his jaw at the name of Mark, and his hands were gripping the blanket so tight that his knuckles were white. She turned around and as she walked into the house, she heard him muttering something.

  
“Wait. You mean that you had not been dating Mark these last months?” Nat looked at him, but was unable to read his face. He looked confused, angry, and hopeful, all at once.

  
“Me? Dating Mark? What makes you believe that? Do you think I’m jumping from bed to bed like you do?” She was fuming, and right now she did not care about no one but her. “Are you asking that in earnest, Tom? Please, tell me it’s caused by the fever, because I really want to slap you right now.”

  
Tom was astonished at her reaction. “I… He told me…”

  
She did not let him finish. “He told you what? And when have you two talked? You two can’t stand each other!”

  
“A few days after we broke up… well, after I broke up, I was worried about you. I tried to call you, to see if you were ok, but I knew you wouldn’t answer, so I tried calling Susan, but she rejected every one of my calls.” 

  
He paced anxiously up and down the room, and then stopped in front of her, staring into her eyes. “I was desperate, Nat. I knew I had hurt you and I could not forgive myself. I needed to know how you were doing. But then I had to go to LA, and my tight schedule and the time difference made it difficult.” 

  
He sat down in the couch and played with his curls, as he always did when he was nervous. “Finally, one month later, I dared calling Mark. I’m not going to reproduce everything he called me that day, because I’m sure I deserved it. He then told me you had been heartbroken for a while, but you were doing fine, now that he was taking care of you, and he forbid me to get near you again if I really cared for you. He did not want me meddling between you and him now that you were together.” He stopped to gather his thoughts and swallow the lump in his throat.

  
“So that’s what I did. I stayed away from you, cursing myself every day for what I had done, for losing you, and I was afraid of meeting you and hurting you again with my mere presence.”

  
Nat was so astonished that she did not know whether to laugh or cry. “Really, Tom? Please, enlighten me. You were SO worried for me AFTER leaving me for another woman that you appear on the cover of every fucking magazine happily showing your new girlfriend to the world. But you were thinking about me all the time, so instead of calling me, you call Mark, who hates you as much as you hate him, to enquire about me, and you believe him when he says I’m with him, so you stay away from me to “protect” me.” Nat looked at Tom expecting an answer.

  
Tom nodded, as he covered his face in embarrassment. “It all feels so wrong when you put it like this…”

  
“Well, I am only stating the facts you’ve told me, but wait, there is more.” She felt the anger building up in her stomach, and decided that if this was going to be their last conversation, she’d better put all the cards in the table, no matter how much it hurt. “So, after seven months of avoiding me, despite supposedly both of us being in a relationship, you try to kiss me, and as soon as we get into your home, you use your subtle seduction to try to get me again, as you’ve always done. Am I right?” She took a deep breath before going on, but he interrupted her.

  
“I… No, and yes.” He took a moment to think how to explain it in a rational way, if there was something as such, though at that moment he doubted it. He felt so stupid right now, so wrong that he couldn’t even think properly. He tried, though. “I haven’t been with her (or anyone else) for months, and Mark knew it because I told him. Those magazines have been showing things that weren’t real. You know how that works.”

  
Nat snorted sarcastically. “Do I? After being your “embarrassing little secret” for years, how should I know?” She turned around to conceal the pain she was feeling. He never told anyone about her, even Luke only knew it when they moved together. She liked the privacy, but the fact that he had showed that woman off just a couple of days after leaving her had felt like another knife stabbed on her back.

  
He suddenly stood up and went towards her, turning her around as he grabbed her arms. “Please, don’t say that. Don’t even think it.”

  
Nat tried to turn around again, but one of his hands held her arm tighter, as the other one held her chin, raising her head so she had to hold his gaze. Tom looked at her for a moment, and his eyes filled with tears as the truth hit him. “Oh, God, you really believe that, don’t you?” He pulled her against him, hugging her with all his body so tight, that she could barely move.

  
“What have I done to you to make you think that? I’m so sorry, my love. Will you please forgive me?” His body was trembling against her, and she knew he was sobbing when he buried his face in the crook of her neck. She felt his tears sliding down her neck, and for just one second, she wanted to believe him, she wanted to stay there, wrapped up in his arms, feeling safe, warm, and loved. 

  
But she couldn’t believe him anymore. She freed herself from his embrace, wiping the tears in her eyes. “Then, what am I, Tom? Because I’m tired of being that toy you only play with until a new one dazzles you. I’m tired of being the one who’s always there for you, waiting for you to come back to me, just to start waiting for the moment you leave me again.” She had thought she had no more tears for him, but she had been wrong. Her heart was hurting again as the day he left her, and she was sure she could not go through all of it again. 

  
Tom stared at her paralyzed by the pain of seeing her hurting like that. He should be loving her, cherishing her, making her feel the most loved woman on earth, which she was, and instead, he always managed to hurt her. He had to try to end that.

  
“You are the love of my life, Nat. Never doubt that.” His lips were trembling, and the lump in his throat was threatening to choke him. He found it ironic that he, the master of words, as she used to call him, was so tongue tied that he was going to lose the woman he loved. And this time she would not give him another chance.

  
He heard her chuckle. “Am I?” She stared at him, trying to believe him once more. “I know you love me, Tom, I really do. And you know I love you more than my life. But sometimes love is not enough, and I’ve largely surpassed my share of heartache for you.” Now that she had said it, she felt like she had lost a heavy weight. It still hurt, but now she knew one day she could start again, far from him. Maybe she’d never be completely happy, but at least she wouldn’t be miserable, and that was good enough for her.

  
Nat grabbed her coat and her purse and went towards the door.

  
“Wait!” Tom called her from the other side of the room. “Please, don’t go. Not like this. Not before…” He grabbed his wallet from his coat, and took out something from a small pocket. “Take this. Please, go to my desk. This key opens the last drawer. You’ll find an envelope and an old box. Read the note and open the box. I promise I won’t disturb you. If you still want to leave after you’ve done it, I won’t stop you.”

  
Nat hesitated, but she took the key. If this was going to be the end, there shouldn’t be loose ends.

  
She went to his office, opened the drawer, and, as he had said, she found the envelope and the box. Carefully, she opened the envelope and took out a folded paper. It looked quite worn out, as if it had been read often. She sat down in his leather chair and, once she had steadied her hands, she began to read.

  
_May 15th, 2014_

_  
My dear Natalie. My love. My life._

_  
I’ve been struggling to find a way of showing you how much I love you, but everything seems to fall short of meaning. Even I, in all my clumsiness, am unable to show you the love and eternal devotion you deserve. And I cannot apologize enough for it._

_  
Once you told me I was terrified of commitment, and that’s why I always left your side. I’m not, for I’m committed to you, body, heart and soul since the blessed moment you accepted me in your life._

_  
I know you are snorting right now, thinking I’m delusional, but let me enlighten you, my love._

_  
Do you remember our first break up? I surely do. You were reading one of those gossiping magazines and we ended up arguing about fame, and privacy, and how you would die if your life would ever be exposed in one of those magazines. Do you remember now? I left your apartment that day feeling the most inadequate man in the world for you. I thought that you were right, that you did not deserve the risk to be exposed like that, and so, the only way to save you from that shame was to get out of your life. And I did. I sent you a message “I need time to think about us” and I disappeared for three weeks. The worst three weeks of my life, if I may say so._

_  
The very instant I pressed the “send” button I missed you. I missed your scent, your hands on my skin, your laughter, your love… your absence was a giant black hole threatening to swallow me, and I was a lifeless puppet for three long weeks. I could feel nothing but pain. I cried my heart out until my eyes couldn’t produce another tear._

_  
I had to refrain myself from sending another text immediately, saying I was sorry, and begging for your forgiveness, but I did not. Because I knew you’d be better without me. You deserved better, even if living without you would kill me. I lived in hell for three weeks._

_  
But then we met again in that art gallery, and the weakest and most selfish part of me convinced me that I could not live without you. It was easy, because it was true. And you looked so fragile and so sad, that I thought (hoped) that maybe I was wrong; if you were as in love with me as I was with you, it should be right, shouldn’t it? So you made me the happiest man alive when you accepted me again._

_  
Now, stop thinking, my love. I know you’re thinking about all the times I’ve broken up with you, and you’ve realized that it has always been the same. Just take a deep breath. Another one. Deeper. And now read this out loud: IT WAS NOT MY FAULT. Read it again. Read it until you believe it, my love, because it’s true. I know you’re blaming yourself, and that’s the last thing I want. Blame me, curse me, damn me, because it was me who created this mess. It was me who hurt you every time. It was me the blind idiot who, trying to save you some pain, hurt you beyond measure over and over again._

_  
But that’s why I wrote you this letter, to offer you my endless devotion, my soul, my heart, and my life._

_  
I love you more than words could say._

_  
Tom_

The end of the letter was a little blurred, as if…

  
Plotch

  
One tear fell over the letter, blurring part of the signature, just like the other blots. “Oh…”

  
Nat opened the beautiful vintage wooden box, and found inside a small plain white card, with the seal of a shop and a date. May, 10th, 2014. It looked like a warranty card. She looked under the card, and found a little velvet box.

  
“Oh, Tom…”

  
Thoughts were flying through her mind, recalling moments that now made sense, reactions that she had misunderstood, and she cried until her head ached, and her stomach hurt. The little mess she had become left the room, and walked down the stairs towards the living room, slowly, fearful of what she would find there.

  
Tom was sitting on the couch, facing her, anxiously playing with his fingers, and running them through his hair.

  
They stared at each other for a while in silence. Tom waited to know if she’d stay or If she’d leave, and Nat didn’t know where to start, holding the letter and the box in her hands.

  
She looked at the letter. “The date…” Her voice was barely a whisper, afraid of breaking the silence. 

  
Tom finally looked at her. “I wrote it a week before your last birthday.” That had been eight months ago. It seemed so far now…

  
“Why…?” She was struggling to find the words, and questions were piling up, unable to choose one over the rest. Each question seemed vital, and she wanted all the answers at once. She needed to understand.

  
Tom rose up from the couch. “Why didn’t I give you the letter?” She nodded. Tom paced nervously around the couch. “I wanted to, I really did. I needed you to understand me, because I couldn’t bear you thinking I didn’t want you, when it was actually the opposite. But then we had another argument, and I panicked, thinking that you would say no, so I lied to you and told you that I had forgotten to buy you a present. Then everything went wrong, and did what I had promised I wouldn’t do in the letter. I left again.” His gaze was fixed on the floor, not daring to look at her. He was rubbing his thighs, clapping the sides of his legs, unable to stay still.

  
Nat closed her eyes, trying to decide if she wanted to know or not.  “And… her?” 

  
He sat again, bouncing his leg up and down. “I… I thought I had lost you definitively, and I was angry, and lonely, and she worked in the same production and seemed interested in me, so we spent our first free day together.” Tom rubbed his face aggressively before going on. “But she was not you, and when she kissed me…” Nat turned around. She did not need more details. It hurt enough as it was. But he went on. “… I called her Natalie. I wanted her to be you, but you weren’t there.” Tom looked at her as she faced him again. “She sent me to hell after a good slap, which I clearly deserved. She hasn’t talked to me since then.”

  
Nat couldn’t believe it. “And the pictures? All those covers? I… I don’t understand.”

  
“Most pictures were taken the same day. We changed clothes for dinner. Some of them were taken when we were on set. We were always surrounded by people, but they know how to make them disappear.” He sat on the arm of the couch, relieved after revealing the truth. He did not know if she’d believe him or not, but there was nothing more he could do about it.

  
“Oh…” She felt confused, and unable to think straight. A couple of hours ago she was sure he was playing with her, and now… Would he really love her that much as to sacrifice himself to see her unharmed? Nat played with the letter between her fingers, feeling the warmth of the words getting through her skin. “How… how many times have you read it?”

  
He walked the few steps that separated them to stand in front of her. “Every day since I wrote it.” 

  
Tom took the letter and the box from her hands and placed them on the side table. Turning to her again, he held her hands between his. “Please, Nat, you have to believe me. I love you. Life without you is like hell, and I don’t want to make the same mistake again. When I saw you this morning I couldn’t believe it. I had lost all hope of seeing you again, and when I felt you in my arms again I knew I had to try to get you back. I will understand if you don’t want me back in your life, Nat, and I’d deserve it, but please, tell me you believe me when I say I love you. Will you have me back?”

  
Natalie felt too many emotions piling up inside her; love, anger, fear, happiness, panic, pain, hope… She looked at him until the knot in her throat allowed her to speak. “I… I believe you, Tom. I know you love me, but…” Tom looked terrified, pale, trembling, and with tears pooling in his eyes. But he had to hear it. “I don’t know, Tom. I couldn’t bear this happening again. How do I know you are not going to run away if you realize you have made a mistake?”

  
He wiped away her tears and gingerly cupped her face with his hands. “Because I’ve known what life is without you, and I don’t want to go through that ever again.” Tom kissed her forehead, and she closed her eyes, reveling in the softness of his lips on her skin.

  
“Natalie…”

  
When she opened her eyes, Tom was kneeling in front of her, holding the velvet box open. Inside, there was a replica of her favourite ring; the ring she always stopped to watch whenever she passed by, too expensive to buy it herself, and the same ring that Tom said he would never buy for her, believing it “too plain” for her. He had managed to get a copy of that filigree ring in what seemed to be white gold, with lots of small stones engraved, dangerously looking like clearly too many black diamonds. She just gasped, holding her breath in disbelief.

  
“Natalie Simmons. This is all I can think of to make you believe me when I say that I will never leave your side again if you accept me. Will you marry me?”  
She could see his hands trembling as he held the little box, murmuring something she could not understand and giving her a pleading look. She tried to think about it, about the pain that stabbed her whenever he wasn’t by her side, the happiness when he was around, the love they shared, despite their many mistakes, the feeling of comfort when they were together… And so, she took a decision she hoped to be the right one.

  
After a few sobs, some more tears and a huge smile, she gave him her answer. “Yes, Tom, I will marry you.”


End file.
